What am I to do?

So, since, maybe 4 or 5 years ago, off and on (mostly on though) i've liked betsy, and ive watched her go through many many different boyfriends, and i've listened to her stories about boys, some i'm jealous of, some just make me sick to my stomach cause i like her so much and its just hard to listen to. the worst part is, I've told her 2 or 3 times about how much i like her and nothing!

I really dont know what to do, i've tried and tried and tried and tried to convince myself not to like her, because shes nice, and good looking and smart and stuff, but shes not ridiculously perfect. but i can't convince myself of that.

but it just hurts to talk to her cause i've liked her Sooo long and i can't take it anymore. However i dont even know how to tell her we need to not be so close anymore.

I dont know i guess i'm just being too emotional or overlydramatic about it. but i'm up for thoughts

chanukah/christmas cunundrum

you know what pisses me off?

its that we spend forever and forever thinking up gifts and trying to get the perfect ones, and in all likelyhood, whatever you get, is wrong. I just recieved an A's jersey thats the wrong color (gray, the absolute one i dislike). but i could push through that if it were the only thing wrong. but no, it has the wrong name on the back, and the wrong number. even still, i'd be fine with it if that was all. but its somthing that i, with the clothing style i have, will almost asuredly never wear anyways. and the worst part is that its probably one of the most expensive of the gifts i'm recieving this year. and theres no way of telling the giver whats wrong and how i'd actually rather have gotten a gift much plainer (tht i did mention wanting... another problem that i have with the holidays: you say you want something - or hint in a way you believe to be obvious that realistically isn't at all- and you get something close, but wrong). I'd rather have gotten this plainer, WAY (as in $50, so not way way, but still thats a substantial amount of money to me) cheaper shirt that i told the giver i'd prefer.

and it may sound like i'm bitching and being a spoiled brat, which i can honestly say i am to some degree, but i have said, and continue to say: i'd either prefer to just give to a charity in the name of someone else (so i'd rather recieve that more than anything) or not get/give anything at all. i hate the gift part of the holidays. why couldn't the holidays just be about the family (k, so i legitimately mean that because...) and the food (with one, comes the other, GOTTA LOVE IT!)?

FUCK, and now i feel bad for 3 reasons,
1) the wasted $ that the holidays cause, specifically in my situation but more in the overalle perspective, i'm sure this happens to everyone in some way. cause all that money could solve a BUTTLOAD, and i mean a BUTTTTTTLOAD of the world's issues

2) that i'm being pissy about this. i feel bad that i care enough about the material stuff to go on this rant, but i do and so i am. its even worse cause i know there are kids in the world that dont get anything or get just a doll or something small like that and are so apreciative and so thankful, it just makes me feel sick.

3) i feel bad that i wasn't receptive, cause i know how hard people (or at least i) try to come up with fun awesome gifts, and its really hurtful to see that somehting you put in a lot of work toward get no reaction. i know cause i've had that happen to me and i was devasted. It was one of the busiest weeks of my life, i came up with the perfect gift, i went to a number of stores to find it, carried it alllllll day at school, and then this girl didn't wait after class to recieve it like i had asked her to. she didn't even look at me, she bolted out and i ended up nearly in tears, cause i had done all this stuff, and then i was going to call out to her to stop and you know, recieve this gift, but i thought 'if you don't even wanna give me the time of day to give it to you, fuck you'. so i know how much it sucks to have a gift not accepted well (she did email me the next day saying she was sorry and stuff, but even though i forgave her, i'm still hurt by it, as u can tell). so i feel bad the i am not very ecstatic to recieve some of the gifts i get, and that makes me feel bad.

fuck the holidays

Hilariousity on the Web

i saw this on KQED, you know that channel that has shows like The Magic School Bus, and Arthur and stuff like that.... so go to this site, trust me!!!... then come back and tell me what you think in a coment on this blog

click here for the site

Now, some of you may be asking, Is it really worth reading? Here's the truth: Very likely, no. But you can still read on if you'd like. Think of this as weeding out those of you that aren't die-hard Darren fans. As hard as it may seem to the rest of us, those type of people actually do exist. SCANDALOUS! I know, but no worries.

More to come.



I PROMISE